By Emily Turner

Hello, y’all! Today I have a special, top secret family recipe for you to make for your kinfolk. Are you excited for a finger-lickin’, fall-off-the-bone, buttery fried chicken recipe that will put your little ankle-biters into a food coma? I sure am! I’m salivating over my gosh darned keyboard as I type. Nothing beats my fried chicken. Just give it a try yourself, and you’ll see.

         Fried chicken is a staple down here in Albany, Georgia, where the sun slicks off our pale, pearlescent skin in the form of salty, pristine sweat, glistening like the dew off of a tall glass of mint lemonade (see the next recipe for my ultra-sweet, with a splash of lemon and mint, lemonade!). Here in my farmhouse, my family devours this fried chicken three to four times a week. My flaky, crunchy chicken is such an addictive crowd-pleaser that it even made all my doting fans forget my racist wrong doings! But to be fair, y’all, I never made any sort of nasty jokes—just a word is all…but, rest assured, like I said, this fried chicken is a miracle lifesaver, and remember: you can find this recipe and more in my latest cookbook for only $59.99.

Now for my health-conscious ladies, click HERE for my son’s super healthy (yet super not tasty) baked chicken. You can find all his recipes and more on his own blog, but we all know that Mama’s cooking is the best! But really…who wants to slim down on country food? My famous fried chicken is only 923 calories per serving with 2,500 milligrams of sodium and 17 grams of trans fat. For me, that’s cutting calories! Why deny country food when you could sink your teeth in my overly greasy, delectable fried chicken. Y’all should try my caramel chocolate poke cake or my fried butter fritters if you want to see some treats that are slightly high in carbs and calories. And don’t you worry about diabetes or any of that medical nonsense. Would I lie to you?

Here are all the ingredients that you’ll need to make this famously delicious fried chicken:

Ingredients:

  •       2 ½ pounds of boneless chicken breast
  •       2/3 cup of white flour
  •       2/3 cup of Shake ‘n Bake breadcrumbs
  •       2/3 cups of crushed up white saltine crackers
  •       ½ cup of salt
  •       1 dash of pepper
  •       2 teaspoons of garlic powder
  •       2 teaspoons of season salt
  •       1 teaspoon of onion powder
  •       1 cup of whole milk
  •       2 eggs, beaten
  •       2 sticks of butter (plus one for snacking!)

Instructions:

Now here’s the fun part, ladies: the instructions. Follow my 10 steps and you’ll get all them folks (Black, white, purple! We don’t see color in my kitchen!) to your front yard.

  1.     Slice the chicken into strips. Plunge your knife into its supple breast and hack away.

I never meant to hurt nobody.

  1.     Combine flour, breadcrumbs, saltine crackers, and seasonings into a medium-sized bowl.

It was acceptable back in the day. I swear I would never say it now.

  1.     Mix whole milk and eggs into a small bowl.

I love black folks. My second cousin’s husband’s best friend is black.

  1.     Heat butter in a large pan for frying.

I am not a racist.

  1.     Dunk the chicken in the milk mixture, drowning each strip ‘til it’s suffocated.

I am not a racist.

  1.     Dredge the chicken in flour, making sure every inch is covered.

I am not a racist.

  1.     Once the butter is melted and sizzling in the pan, carefully lay your chicken strips down in the pan of greasy butter. Let them sizzle and pop in the pan.

Here, now, let me fix y’all some food.

  1.     While the chicken is cooking (around 5 minutes each side), I like to munch on the remaining butter stick.

And forget all about this.

  1.     Transfer the chicken to a plate and generously sprinkle with more salt.

Eat more! I have plenty.

  1. Serve hot with my famous, fatty macaroni and cheese along with my buttery, carb-laden mashed potatoes! And don’t forget to wash it all down with a large glass of cool, whole milk.

Forgive and forget.

The crunch of the crispy breading along with the juicy, white chicken is sure to please everyone who tastes it. Thank you everybody for following along, and I hope my famous fried chicken finds a place on all your dinner tables. Bye, now!

Once you reach the end of this here post, you’ll be prompted to enter your credit card information as a fee for using my recipe! Please read the extra fine print next time if you thought this was free! But don’t fret, included with this payment is my rare Paula Deen memorabilia along with a weeklong trial of my cooking show streaming services.

 

Works Cited

 

Koman, Tess. “A Complete Timeline Of Paula Deen’s Downfall.” Delish, Delish, 16 Sept. 2020, www.delish.com/restaurants/g20898890/timeline-of-paula-deens-downfall/.